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Wednesday, 02 December 2009 09:00 |
Valerie Harper Fractures Jaw, Sets Land Speed Record
 Bonneville Salt Flats, Utah: Taking a break from her busy theatre and film schedule, Valerie Harper, the feisty actress beloved for her role of Rhoda Morgenstern on The Mary Tyler Moore Show, donned a goldenrod helmet and matching fireproof suit last weekend to rocket herself into the history books.
It was on a cloudless Saturday morning that the actress’ crew of twelve made final preparations for the first of two passes required for official records. After strapping the seventy-year old Harper into the cockpit of her jet-propelled vehicle, the experimental Rhoda X-12, they recalculated wind speed, adjusted their logarithms, and gave her the signal to fire the twin Rolls-Royce engines. At two minutes past eight, the hush of the flats was broken by the roar of velocity. There was nothing to be seen but a blur of black across the arid backdrop, but it was a perfect pass, the Rhoda X-12 attaining a speed of 762.71 mph before Ms. Harper deployed the parachute. The next day, she had to do it again.
An average of both passes is used to determine success, and for Ms. Harper to earn the fastest recorded time for a septuagenarian sitcom actress, she would, on Sunday, have to reach a minimum speed of 762.98 mph. Again, the crew made their calculations, and after giving the thumbs up, Ms. Harper was on her way. Less than three seconds later, the flats exploded with cheers as Ms. Harper smashed through the old record by .77 mph, but the celebration was short-lived, for a miscalculation in downforce caused the X-12 to pitch severely to the right just before deceleration. Despite her bumpy ride, the actress managed to maintain her cool and manually correct the situation but not before sustaining a hairline fracture to the right side of her mandible. Once  removed from the cockpit, her goldenrod helmet split in two, Ms. Harper regained consciousness and was then flown to a nearby medical facility. After a three-hour surgery to wire her jaw, a glowing Ms. Harper fielded questions from reporters. When asked of her future plans, the daredevil actress replied, ‘Zji zjan zjon zjying zjajound zja zjorld zjin zja zjazjoon.’
The previous land speed record for a septuagenarian sitcom actress had been set in 2004 by Facts of Life star Charlotte Rae. Ms. Rae could not be reached for comment.
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