A Study of The Rock and Roll T-Shirt Mating Call as Practiced by the American Male As easily imagined by our regular readers, I’m not much of a t-shirt guy. I mean, I wear t-shirts as they ought to be worn (i.e. as underwear), not how the bulk of society deems they can now be worn (i.e as formalwear), and while there are a few occasions where I do step out of the house in a plain black affair (to make automotive repairs, etc.), I can’t recall the last time I even went out to the beach in one, for my thought is, why struggle in the heat with a puzzling tri-holed pullover when the great Hispanic thinkers of yore have given us the mighty guayabera? Easy on, easy off and plenty of pockets for smokes and sundries. This is not to say that I’m anti-t-shirt either ; I still believe the plain white model can make a statement when paired with the right jeans and demeanor, but, sadly, most of the men I see attempting this style have neither. The jeans are baggy and droopy and their demeanor twice that. Yet, I understand I can be accused of unfairly ascribing my style sentiments to those who make the t-shirt their daily choice for chestwear because claims can be made the subculture is not trying to make statements at all. ‘Fashion statements are for The Man and Mr. Charlie’ say those pacific creatures the anthropologists call mortuus capitis (trans: The Common Deadhead), but if that’s true, why then does this same specimen budget a major portion of his pooka bead income for t-shirts that affirm and broadcast his lifestyle? Ignoring social constructs does not automatically free one from the trap of social constructs, and unless one lives in an entirely poor community where no one has money and everyone can do no more than dress in rags (e.g. feudal England, Williamsburg Brooklyn), society does, and will for the foreseeable future, infer statement from clothing. Thus, whether he likes it or not, The Common Deadhead with his varicolored t-shirt is making a statement: I like the Grateful Dead. As millions of male adolescents since the 1970s have proven, it’s this dissemination of rock and roll allegiance through the miracle of heat transfer that sometimes leads to a)social acceptance by their peers, and b)a 100% improvement of sex life, for the female adolescent is curiously attracted to the male’s plastisol plumage formed to resemble illuminating characters such as Ozzy Osbourne and Coolio. Once conditioned by these successes, the male continues to utilize this call and response methodology well into adulthood, and while it does remain effective in the area of peer acceptance (specifically, male bonding), unbeknownst to him, the female of the species has, by her adulthood, matured past the stage of rock and roll plastisol attraction. In a psychological reversal, she even comes to view such plumed males as sufferers of arrested development, though a current study shows this is not always true in some isolated areas (e.g. Williamsburg Brooklyn where males with permanent markings of 'Sonic Youth' or 'Nick Cave' seem to curry favor with females usually unwashed and unkempt). Over the last two decades a great portion of the adult population, both male and female, has augmented its wardrobe with t-shirts bearing corporate logos (e.g. DKNY, Nike, The Gap.) and It is presumed that broadcasts of allegiance to these concerns illustrates maturity above the rock and roll call-out, but an inherent problem is that such allegiances are wholly generic, saying as much about a man or woman as height and girth. On line at the supermarket, for example, a woman would have no more reason to talk to a man about his Apple Computer shirt than she would his choice of hot dog rolls. Perhaps it is for this reason that I have, over the last year, noticed an exponential increase of men – men who otherwise seem to have their faculties about them – wearing t-shirts of curiously unique markings. Nat-Trust Credit Union? Tri-County Brickface? Hudson Falls Broadband Service? Promotional t-shirts such as these – shoddily produced and routinely distributed at company picnics and busy street corners - have somehow been finding their way to the backs of young men around the nation and not only while they’re out for a jog or off to the bodega for a quart of milk. They’re sporting these ill-fitting togs at theatres, bars, restaurants; they’re wearing them out on dates. Most of the examples I see are faded and ratty, their arcane references barely readable: Wharton-Gunsell, Makers of Quality Grommets Since 190-when? Is this a trend of individual expression? Does the male hope to attract the quizzical female by parading about in a t-shirt from an obscure mercurochrome company? Somehow, I think it just boils down to good old-fashioned apathy: ‘I’m wearing this Tunxis Diode shirt because my Harpswell Insurance t-shirt is in the wash.’ The man who has recently taken to improving his appearance, who is just beginning to reassess his lifestyle, seriously needs to consider the t-shirt’s place in his wardrobe. True, there are guys in their middle-age and older that can get away with rock and roll t-shirts - they’ve dedicated their lives to the form and the rebellion it once stood for and it therefore shows in their style. They have the right boots, the right rings, the right demeanor, and are consciously making a statement, but a middle-aged stockbroker out on the town in a Bruce Springsteen t-shirt fails to come across as anything but an apathetic eyesore. This doesn’t mean The Boss needs to be tossed, nor do all those corporate and comical t-shirts that currently fill one’s drawers, but they do need to be reassigned from daily wear to rare wear and perhaps even to yard work. Mow the lawn in them. Wash the car. Paint the house; the allegiance to Nike can be announced at the hardware store when it’s discovered one’s run out of thinner. And as for the man who still insists on stepping out for the day, or night, in a t-shirt rather than a button down, The Cad suggests he invest in a few well-made solids produced from Egyptian cotton. We know they’re not going to be instant conversation starters like quality grommets since 190-when, but then again, what is? Cad Poll: What do you think?
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