|
|
| Tuesday, 01 April 2008 00:00 | |||
The Sidewalk? That's for Kids!Of great concern to us here at The Cad is the continuing retrogression of the adult male in the twenty-first century. True, we’re not here to tell men how to behave - rather, we’re here to offer piddling advice to those who want it - but sometimes boundaries are crossed on such a grand scale and by so many men that we’re compelled to wag a finger. With the arrival of Spring, I thought it time to address a growing problem. I first noticed that this certain trouble was brewing about a decade ago. It was just about the time that the latest phase of retrogression had begun (casual Fridays had turned into casual daily), and I had been walking along Fifth Avenue, mid-day, with the usual knots of tourists, executrons, and windowshoppers about me. Making my way uptown, I deftly sidestepped the slow-footed and immobile (and there was an occasional drop to the gutter in order to pass a blockade of chin-waggers), but as I neared the corner, I, and everyone else, suddenly had to give wide berth to a lean and toned middle-aged bare-chested man. He was a jogger, and he must have thought that the current fitness craze had automatically bestowed upon him the right of public nuisance. Certainly, I had seen sidewalk joggers before, but they had always been on quiet streets, running in the morning hours, and definitely not on Fifth Avenue at mid-day. This fellow, however, was diplaying a wholly new unacceptable form of behavior, and since that day I’ve not only noticed that the number of sidewalk joggers has been on the rise but that an inordinate percentage of them are middle-aged males. Worse, they’ve been joined in that their ranks by the sidewalk cyclist, and nearly every day from spring through autumn, I now get at least one shout of ‘On your right,’ from over my shoulder as a blur of lycra and metal whizzes past. Now, I could understand if these men were simply jogging the last hundred yards to their homes or pulling the bike up to the deli for a bottle of water, but it’s this jogging and cycling for blocks on end, down one dip and up the next, terrorizing the elderly and upsetting the invalid that’s cause for alarm, and not just because they’re endagering pedestrians, but, as I said, because it’s contributing to the continued retrogression of the male. ‘Men are such children,’ the women say, and in this case they’re absolutely right. A grown man has as much business jogging or cycling on the sidewalk as he does micturating on one, and, good lord, let’s not even get into that discussion. A third contributor to this retrogression is the sidewalk skateboarder, and here I’m going to probably shock our readership by noting that I actually have no problem with a grown man riding a skateboard. Although I, myself, am not a rider, I believe it a practical and economical way to get around town, and I wouldn’t glance twice at a man in a three-piece suit careening along the street, but again, as long as it’s on the street and not on the sidewalk! (And I should probably add here that a three day growth of beard and a sideways kepi will put the rider back into the class of overgrown man-boy.) So, what do these men have to say for themselves? What’s their defense? That drivers are unaware? That the streets are dangerous? Well, sleeping with women is dangerous, too, even with precautionary measure, so if you’re ready to hop into bed with whatever hag is hanging about the bar at three a.m., I should think you’re ready to take on traffic. Finally, there’s one bicycle issue I need to address, and since it’s sort of germane to this editorial, I thought I’d opine for a bit. Sure, the Raleigh Chopper with its high-rise handlebars and totally rad gearshift might have been the coolest set of wheels when we were kids, but just because middle-aged success has finally allowed the purchase of an original model, it doesn’t necessarily mean the you’re going to be the envy of the schoolyard. In fact, a forty-year old man on a kid’s bike is kind of creepy, so I’d suggest that a collection of tin toys or Lionel trains is a better way to revisit your youth. Again, just another piddling opinion for those who want it. Till next month, I remain... Jack Newcastle Publisher, Editor-in-Chief The Cad
|