JACK NEWCASTLE SAYS,
Ask the layman for a description of sloth and without dubiety there will come something to the order of a man (or more likely, ‘dude’) lying about his apartment, gobbling Ho-Hos, and following the televised antics of Judges Judy, Brown, and Hackett. As a purist in the field, I take umbrage. Perfect sloth - the sort I promote - is nothing less than the total absence of work, so when one considers the hassles of switching channels, fiddling with the volume, and de-packaging all those plasticene cakes, it is clear that the illustration given falls short on any metaphysical consideration. Perfect sloth, I submit, is the convergence of soul and universe - it is quiessence and the mystical ‘oneness’ sought by the ascetics and fakirs - but should the reader simply deem this for another name for Transcedentalism or Buddhism, I must point out that Slothism (Copyright 2003 by Jack Newcastle, All Rights Reserved) is the only path to enlightenment to utilize a methodology wholly congruous with Western thought. Simply put, there’s absolutley no work involved.
That’s right, no work at all. As an American, I knew I had a God-given right to obtain cosmic consciousness through the channel not of least resistance but of no resistance, and after exploring all the Eastern philosophies, I realized why none of them has ever really caught on in the States. Too much work! Jainism, Taoism, Buddhism: in every one of them there are books to read, and scriptures to study, and robes to launder, and incenses to burn, and chants to chant, and gongs to gong, and I thought, ‘Criminy, if Americans had wanted to work that hard at enlightenment, someone would have come up with a religion that involves beer to drink, bacon to fry, fingers to pull, and chicks to hustle.’ Knowing there had to be an easier way, I gave up on the Orient to strike out on my own path to enlightment. It was within a year that I founded Slothism (Copyright 2003 by Jack Newcastle, All Rights Reserved).
Slothism (Copyright 2003 by Jack Newcastle, All Rights Reserved) works in that all one needs is the ability to say, ‘I’ve had enough.’ Had a rotten day at the office? Say, ‘I’ve had enough.’ Fed up with the kids and wife? Say, ‘I’ve had enough.’ Remember, it doesn’t need to be repeated or chanted - that would be work - but it does need to be said with finality and conviction. Simply park yourself in the nearest chair, look blankly out into space, and utter that one phrase. Then give in to the shutdown, for it is only through complete inertia of body and soul that true happiness can ever be achieved. Eventually, the spouse will come round to make buzzing noises in your ear. The kids may jump on your lap. To acknowledge them would be work. To think about them would be work. Let them stew. Let them holler. Let them call the authorities. In fact, to remain on the path to perfect sloth one must inevitably be oblivious to a battery of medical prodding and poking. You may soil yourself - you may even experience the discomfort of electroshock* - but, guranteed, a life without hassles, headaches, bills, and obligations awaits those who are able to remain on the path. Everyone needs a break once in a while; Slothism (Copyright 2003 by Jack Newcastle, All Rights Reserved) makes it permanent. And without all the work!
*Slothism, Inc. is not responsible for damages suffered by electrochock therapy
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DAVID DEVEREUX SAYS
There are three great pleasures in my life, and one of them is the pursuit of food. Not that horrid bland, mass-produced fuel for the body, but real food – the stuff that amazes, arouses and transports one to another plane of existence in a simple mouthful. It’s not easy to find good examples of this, however, and that has to be considered a good thing. For a start, it helps keep my weight at least a little under control and for seconds (as it were) it helps make those moments of delight special. When I do find it, though, it’s worth the effort and a fellow can’t help but want more.
This means that a fellow’s got two basic options, and both of them involve work: one can take the time to find the very best restaurants or one can learn to cook well for oneself. I go for a balance of the pair, and heartily recommend that others do the same. But the moment that first incredible mouthful passes your lips, you’re heading into the Glutton’s territory.
Gluttony is, in simple terms, eating more than you absolutely need to. So if your body only needs two spoonfuls of Créme Brulée to get through the evening and you take three, you’re in the club. An extra few drops of that heartbreakingly-beautiful sauce? Tick the box. A fifteen-course banquet of the finest dishes known to man? Pass the wine list, would you?
You see, gluttony really isn’t that bad – as long as it’s built on taste. Shovelling rubbish down your neck is just going to make you ill, but when we indulge ourselves with mouthfuls of divinity we find that the world just got better for a moment. Troubles are forgotten and every pleasure centre in our brains cries out “More!”
And who are we to say no?
Are we ascetic monks, aiming to purge ourselves of sinful desires? Of course not. It is right and fitting that we seek out the best, and equally right that our search is rewarded. Who’s going to leave the finest meal of their life just because the calorie count has reached critical mass? Are you going to push the plate away halfway through a date? Or leave your companion’s expense account only half-plundered? I know I’m not. There is nothing wrong with pleasure, with taking these all-too-rare perfect moments to our bosoms and reveling in them. Even better is the sharing of that pleasure – to see our companion discover that first mouthful of a dish we already know and love. I certainly wouldn’t curtail such an experience for either party through some self-important need to be ‘upright.’
Better to go out, find these glimpses of heaven and share them than to sit on the sofa all day. Good gluttony takes work, but the works pays off. But don’t take my word for it – go forth and explore, discover these things of which I speak for yourselves. Be a glutton, take pride in your exquisite taste, and then share the word with those you love. A quiet night in with the TV might work for you, but pairing it with champagne, oysters and a chocolate mousse will make it work so much better. |
